He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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