alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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