Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
