Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
