She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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