I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
