Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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