Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
