he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
