my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
