My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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