The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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