WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
