I am midnight drunk by noon
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
