I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
