You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
