his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
