I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm getting married
To pizza
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
