hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
