I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
