Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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