This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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