First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
