i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
