Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
