Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
