My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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