24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
