I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
