if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
