T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
