That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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