Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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