your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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