The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
