Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
