STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
