Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
