Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
