On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
