Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
