I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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