Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
