Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
