On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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