I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Sober January is a disaster.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
