i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
