Already got asked if we're dating
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
