I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
