It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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